Yes It’s here, a retiree’s rant on daily shenanigans!
What Is That In The Sky?
Waking up very early seems to be becoming quite a habit for me these days. However, at 5.33am today, something suddenly woke me up! This time it wasn’t my geriatric cat or some inglorious bastard outside in his souped-up Astra…..IT WAS THE SUN!! The real sun…. you know the big round one that’s supposed to be in the sky but has barely made an appearance since last September. My first thought was that maybe I should get up quickly before it was gone, but I was sure that by the time I’d managed to drag my aging body out of bed it would have disappeared again.
Instead, as I sit here contemplating how to spend my retirement. Cup of tea in hand, I realise that I’m likely to have significantly more time available. However, it has also dawned on me that this may not be as useful as I’d first anticipated. We are already into July and most days it’s still too bloody cold to wear a T-shirt…. well unless of course you happen to live in Abu Dhabi, which sadly I don’t! I’ve even had to resort to stuffing my bra with cotton wool balls in order to avoid looking like I have radio dials for tits….really not a good look and definitely not what you’d expect for this time of year even in the UK.
Then just as I’m about to expose my whiter than white body to the rays my peace and quiet is shattered by my youngest son.
Motherly Love!
“Mum! I’m really really ill, help”. Now, you might have felt inclined to feel sorry for him, but please don’t because he’s 23 and great big sap. So, instead of a little R and R in the sun, I set off to his house to take him paracetamol and drinks! Ah, a mother’s job is never done! I arrive at what can only be described as a war zone….why can’t boys clean up their own shite? All my 3 sons live together in a little cottage and it’s marginally less organised than Men Behaving Badly.
My daughter had already been to check on him and reported back that he was most unlikely to die within the next few hours so I wasn’t overly concerned and didn’t plan on staying long. Unfortunately, I did make the big mistake of offering him some toast. I ventured into the kitchen which loosely resembled Beirut and lifted the lid of the breadbin where upon I encountered an entire eco system of decomposing wheat products. I quickly shut it and gave him crackers instead! At the time of publication he was still alive but walking about with his arse in his hands feeling sorry for himself!
Let’s Salvage The Day!
So I’ve returned to my day which by now is dull and cloudy with no hope of topping up my tan from my first proper beach holiday since 1999! The next bone of contention is whether I should contemplate spending some more of my retirement fund and sod off to Dubai for some guaranteed 40 degrees or take it all on the chin and get on with the enormously difficult task of writing a balanced blog on the election debate so far?
Now don’t get me wrong I’m all for holidays in the sun when you’ve worked hard for them but sadly, I have an issue with the United Arab Emirates…..WOMEN. Yes the weather’s great. The surroundings are luxurious. The service is impeccable…..but women are still second class citizens and whilst as a tourist, I’m sure they’d tolerate my nipples, if I were a local they’d no doubt cut my head off.
A Retiree’s Rant: Politics it is then…..
Not content with disenfranchising all of the younger generation last week by announcing a policy to bring back national service, Rishsi Sunak has managed to piss off a large proportion of crusty old gits and a few heads of state by leaving the D-Day 80th Year Remembrance Commemorations to go home! No doubt at the advice of the same idiots who told him to address the nation in the pouring rain without a coat or umbrella!
It would appear that in Sunak’s perceived wisdom, the older you are the more overwhelmingly likely you are to be right wing and therefore vote for him despite all of his obvious failings. (This doesn’t of course apply to me as I’m afraid I’m a committed lefty despite being old, miserable, cantankerous, and grumpy.) But lets face it, if they hadn’t fucked over the NHS so badly in the last 14 years perhaps there would be more old people still alive who were inclined to vote for them! Anyway this evening I shall sit in my freezing house awaiting the next exciting episode of “Let’s have a pop at Sir Keir Starmer, whilst pretending we have a plan”. Although I’m not entirely sure I’ll last till election day on July 4th.
Maybe I should settle for a week in Benidorm instead? The trouble is it’s not much cheaper and I couldn’t cope with all the Nigel Farage fans. ….. I really can’t be held responsible for what my face does when his name is mentioned……..Corfu anyone?
I hope you enjoyed ‘A Retiree’s Rant on the Weather, Woes, and War Zones!’ My aim is to make you chuckle and share with you my tongue-in-cheek observations! If you have enjoyed reading this blog, why not grab a coffee and some biscuits and delve into more here.
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