The latest fashion trend to avoid, in my humble opinion, of course!
My mother has adopted yet another Olympic sport as an octogenarian. At almost 83 she’s unstoppable! Sky diving, zip wiring, climbing, the list is endless. And now she has taken up cold water swimming. Yes! In the sea and in January! Anyway, last weekend she proudly sent me a photograph of herself standing on the mud flats in Penarth wearing this “thing”.
What are these things?
I know this is Wales. And yes, it rains…… quite a lot to be fair, especially this year, but can someone please enlighten me as to what these ankle length, fluffy lined, oversized anorak THINGS are? Has it suddenly become so wet that we all need a full-length waterproof overcoat to prevent us from spontaneously dissolving?
I’m talking, of course, about the latest vogue in sportswear, Dry Robes……. you know the 2020’s alternative to wearing your pyjamas to Tesco. They’re everywhere I look! Every man, woman, and dog appear to have invested heavily in this new gear (they’re intergalactically expensive too!) and I have to say, I’m baffled. And now, even my mother has joined that new crème de la crème of middle-class elitism called the #dryrobewankers.
Unflattering and Ugly!
These coats are large enough to conceal a yoke of oxen. They’re so big that you could potentially give birth to quads, breast feed them and carry them around until they were 20 and nobody would notice. Of course, this also makes them the perfect attire for the light fingered amongst us! Not that I’m suggesting everyone who owns a dry robe is a shoplifter! It’s just that it does provide quite a convenient disguise should one require it!
I think this is destined to be yet another embarrassing fashion faux pas as brutal as the Donkey Jacket of the 80’s. Remember Michael Foot getting himself up to the scrotum in boiling vinegar for wearing one to Armistice Day?
These tumescent cloaks come in some rather flamboyant fabrics too! I remain unconvinced that erubescent pink is a particularly wise choice, unless you really want to be the elephant in the room or thinly disguise yourself as Mr Blobby! As for camouflage, isn’t that a contradiction in terms? It doesn’t really work does it? Unless you’re trying to masquerade as another Welsh mountain
They’re taking over the planet. Do Dry Robes breed secretly at night and hunt in packs? Every day more and more appear. Herds of dog walkers. Swarms of parents on the school run. Entire family flocks strolling around Roath Park on a dank and miserable Sunday afternoon. Stephen King will be writing a horror story next, ‘Under the Robe’!
If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them?
As for my mother and her eccentric gang, I’m astonished. Are these exponents of cold water dipping seriously suggesting that I get out of bed at 5am and instead of taking a shower, drive 10 miles to immerse my 60-year-old body in the Bristol Channel? What? Why? Isn’t it cold enough already? Or are we dealing with the world’s largest group of peri menopausal women seeking out nifty cures for night sweats and hot flushes?
According to Wild Swimming, swimming in natural bodies of water can help to reduce stress, improve circulation, and boost your mood. The cold water can also provide a natural form of pain relief, while the exercise itself can improve muscle tone, flexibility, and endurance. Well, looking at that list I can’t see there’s much it doesn’t cure! The pox maybe or the occasional dose of the squits! Oops sorry, my bad. That’s just what you get if you venture into the water at Barry Island on a freezing November morning!
Conclusion: It’s Definitely The Latest Fashion Trend To Avoid!
Unfortunately, I won’t be finding out about that any time soon because I won’t be joining the ranks of the #dryrobewankers. Not now. Not ever! I went in the sea at Penarth once, in 1973 when I was in the Brownies. It traumatised me for life. I still haven’t been able to wash all the mud out of my hair!
If you have enjoyed my observations about the latest fashion trend to avoid, check out my other blogs here. They are just my tongue in cheek view of the world!
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