Wales, Weather, and Cloud
Last night, I did what every sensible, forward-thinking BBQ planner does: I checked the weather forecast. Not for fun or because I have some weird fetish for high-pressure systems. But because I’d just spent all day in the garden wrestling with lighting cables, extension leads, and a parasol that refused to open… I had a party to plan for Friday, and the BBC Weather App assured me — with all the confidence of a man proposing on a first date — that we were in for an entire week of fine weather.
In fact, the good old Daily Fail has been bleating on about the alleged heatwave we’ve been experiencing. (For heatwave, read temperatures slightly above 16° and one day without sleet). Clearly, they are not party to the top secret cover-up that Wales, weather, and cloud cover, full of the wet stuff, are comrades in arms, battling to ensure the land stays as green as Tom Jones‘ 60’s classic portrays!
The forecast showed me wall-to-wall sunshine emojis. Wales was apparently going to be basking in sunshine hot enough to make the Costa del Sol green with envy.
So, naturally, I left the patio furniture out. All of it! Cushions, tablecloth, throws, even the little decorative bits that serve no purpose except to look nice on Instagram……Yes, I’m that person.
Right! I’ve Had Enough!
Fast forward to 8am this morning. I wake up, window open, and I can hear wet roads! You know that sound when tyres slosh past….and the horror started to dawn on me. I hurriedly threw back the curtains, and I was greeted not by the golden glow of a Welsh sunrise but by what appeared to be the opening scene of The Perfect Storm. Rain. Biblical rain. The kind that makes sheep panic. My “week of fine weather” lasted precisely 7 hours and 43 minutes!
So here I am: my patio furniture is ruined, my party lights are now a fire hazard, and I’m left standing in my dressing gown on the patio, shaking my fist at the sky like some deranged old biddy who’s just been told the gin’s run out.
Cloud Seeding Conspiracy?
And I’m beginning to wonder if the Welsh authorities cloud seed? You know, like in China, where they fire chemicals into the atmosphere to make it rain on purpose? I used to think that was just conspiracy theory nonsense — the kind of thing you’d hear from a man in a tinfoil hat selling crystals and dreamcatchers out of the back of a van. But after today? I’m not so sure
Let’s face it, the weather here isn’t random. It’s personal. I mow the lawn? Torrential downpour. Hang my washing out? Typhoon. And it’s ALWAYS my side of the street. The neighbours are over there having a picnic, dry as bone, whilst I’m wondering if I should start building an ark!
Is This Acceptable?
Perhaps it’s just incompetence. After all, the Met Office has been “predicting” the weather for about 170 years now, and they still get it wrong more often than they get it right. Imagine if any other job worked like that. Your plumber turns up, tells you the leak will be fixed by Tuesday, and yet, by Wednesday, you’re floating past him on a Lilo in the living room, handing out arm bands to the kids. You’d be furious. You wouldn’t stand for it. But here we are, refreshing the weather app like it’s gospel truth.
So today I’ll have to take trip down to the lost and found to see if anyone has handed in my will to live. I’ll dry off the cushions (again), re-do the lights (again), and I’ll check the forecast (again). And when it inevitably says, “Clear skies, zero chance of rain,” I’ll know exactly what’s going to happen.
Because in Wales, “clear skies” is just code for “we haven’t finished loading the rain cannons yet.”
Summer last year was on a Wednesday!
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